It Will Be Ok

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

I’ve been through a lot this year. You put me through hell. The amount of red flags you had is the amount of times I fixed you. You broke down constantly. Telling me the only reason you are still here is because of me. Yes I do fucking love you but I hate myself because of it. You have riped me apart, taking advantage of my kindness. You use me to feel alive and in doing so you make me wish I was dead. Look I love you. But I can’t. I know you don’t understand and you probably never will. You are the only one I’ve ever told that to. I’m sorry for not being able to stay. You have broken the healer. I have tried so hard to just make sure you get through each day, and you never cared. You tell me you love me but you don’t know what love means. If you find this or if you don’t is whatever. I just need to let it out before I explode. I don’t hate you, I don’t hold a grudge or have any problem with you. I just hate myself. Calling me a bitch and toxic and a player isn’t exactly helping your image either. I poured everything I had into helping you, and you watched me burn. Honestly I like the way it hurts. We are toxic for eachother but don’t blame this shit on me. This is both of us. You are so incredibly messed up and still so incredibly loved and you don’t even realize. You don’t know what you have and I can’t keep this cycle going. Let me go but please don’t let go of yourself.

Regret

Today I saw you for the first time in what felt like forever. You smiled at me and stepped on my heel. I used to hate it when you did that but suddenly it felt so endearing. You called me shorty and then winked. God how I missed that wink. I used to hate the way you teased me. It was constant and repetitive. Then I lost you. Now all I want to hear is the sound of your voice laughing at me and joking. The sound of your laugh and the way you smirk at me with that mischievous sparkle in your eye. I could get high off of that look. You walked away and I felt breathless. My heart dropped again. I thought I was over you. I thought I was fine. But suddenly the walls I didnt realize I had all cane crashing down and I was exposed. We talked that night too. We laughed and made fun of each other. We screamed about how cute dogs are and we talked about our families and friend drama. You were the only one who could ever understand me. You were the only one who noticed when I had been crying, the only one who asked how my day was, the only one who noticed when I was lying. You truly understood me. I was always there for you and I cared so deeply for you. We helped each other through so much. Life with you used to be great. We slowly drifted apart. You didn’t want a commitment and I needed one. We cared and we still care, but it wasn’t the same. You started talking to other people and I retreated into my old hole. But one day, you were still the only person who noticed when I wasn’t ok. You were still the only person I wanted to tell my good news to. You were still the reason I am here. I should not have left because now I can’t get you back. You care but you have moved on. All I have left is past conversations and the memory of your eyes on mine. I can still hear the sound of your voice ringing in my ears and I can hear you call my name. God why does it have to effect me this way. Now we go back to the occasional how are you conversations, the nodding heads in the hallway, the avoiding eye contact. I regret that I left. I regret that I was too weak to stay. I regret my choices because now I realize how much you mean to me, and it’s to late to get you back.

Only a moment

Smoke coming from your lips

Such a beautiful and tragic kiss

The smell of cigarettes on your breath

The feeling of the old beat up leather jacket I love

Nothing I can do will make you stay

The cigarette smoke blinds my vision

Our locked lips taste salty from my tears

You promised you would stay

You promised you would love me

Here you are walking away

Can’t you see?

I love you so much it breaks me

Your eyes hold the ocean waves

And a bright summer sky gleams in your eyes

Your smile masks the demons in your head though only I see past it

Even on our darkest days we would never fall

You filled me up and ripped me apart

Go and try to fix yourself but your perfect to me

Even as you leave and I crumble to the ground,

I watch the world become brighter by you

You bring so much joy and you can’t feel it

You were all the joy in the world to me, if only for a moment

Please

How can you pretend to be ok? I know you better then that. I see the pain behind your eyes, I see you walking down the hallway with your earbuds in, head down, avoiding everyone. I know that you are in pain. You are a good actor, but you let just enough of your wall fall down and now I see. You love her. I love you. This circle of anger and sadness is misery by definition. I want you to be happy. I will be ok, go for her. I want you to laugh. I miss your boyish grin and deep laugh. Your eyes light up my day and your smile brings me so much joy. I crave your touch like an addict craving alcohol. I know you by now, I know you won’t let me in enough. Despite that I keep trying. Stop saying your day was fine, I know your lying. Tell me everything, the good and bad. I am here for you always, even if seeing her in the hallway makes my heart rip out of my chest and my head pound. I want you to be ok. Please please please just be ok.

No

Thanks.

Thank you for getting my hopes up and making me happy. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for making me talk to you. Thank you for giving me butterflies whenever I see you smile. Thank you for all of the laughs you caused. Thank you for all the times you stayed up with me. Thank you for all the dumb jokes you told. Thank you for making me feel special. Thank you for all that you did. Thank you for taking my heart and shattering it. Thank you for telling me you wished it was someone else. Thank you for showing me I’m not good enough. Thank you for all the pain you’ve caused. Thank you for all the nights I’ve cried myself to sleep. Thank you for every single time you told me you loved her. Thank you for never loving me like I love you. Thank you for all the times you ignored me and all the times you kissed her. Thank you for making me feel wanted, thank you for making me realize it was in my head. Thank you for showing me how nieve I am. Thank you for the pain. I won’t make the mistake of loving you again. Fuck you.